OKAY, HERE IT GOES...

I have tried to stay as honest as possible with this whole process as I try to lose the weight that has haunted the first 25 years of my life. I have told you about my food obstacles, discussed the hardships that I have encountered with the workouts, talked about my time at the Dudley and Bob morning show and the many other aspects that have come into play throughout the past 5 months. But I haven’t really talked about how my relationship with women has changed. Okay so here it goes…

 

My entire life I have always wanted to find love and fall deeply, passionately and endlessly in love with that person. So far, I don’t think I have gotten close to this feeling. A big reason is I have never truly felt confident around women that I am really attracted to.  I usually get on the friend “ship” before ever attempting to try my luck at anything more. If I get passed this point, one of two things happens: I usually will either have so much doubt that someone can be attracted to me that I don’t trust the other person, or I grow jealous when they are not around me because I feel that I am not worthy for them to stay with me. The most obvious reason is that I always felt my weight made me unattractive and that I would have to completely sweep a girl off her feet by being charming and free-spirited than with anything physical I had to offer. This all lead to me having short-ended relationships that never came close to the type of connection I was looking for.

 

So as I got this chance to change my life I started to think of all the great things that would happen with me in the department of love. I would be able to find the person I have always wanted and we would run in fields of flowers, play Monopoly all night, have Battlestar Galatica marathons and just plain have fun with someone that I truly felt something with.  Sweet dream-- but it will never be a reality until I really figure out the underlying truth behind all of my problems before I started losing the weight. After much inner debate, and long phone calls with friends it became obvious that as cliché as it seems I had to learn to love myself before I could really love anyone else.

 

Finally getting that through my head was a hard pill to swallow. I thought I always loved myself, but I didn’t. I never felt confident that I could love someone and that I DESERVED TO BE LOVED THAT MUCH BACK because I am a good person too. I still don’t feel truly confident in this, but I am getting better about accepting myself in my skin (I think it helps when you lose 1/5 of your body weight J). But what still stands in my way is that if I try to find love now I could potentially lose focus on the task at hand, the task of losing this weight within the time period I have set for myself.  I don’t feel it's right for me to give less in the gym, or lose focus on my eating patterns because of love.  Not at this stage.  I am doing so well with my weight and my health level that any distraction could really skew my results with Workshop.

 

I think some people will disagree with my point of view right now, but with weight loss will come more confidence, which will allow me to love myself more, and create more opportunities to discover the person I am looking for.