CALL FROM A FRIEND

I recently received a call from my friend Michael about my post, “A Moment I Would Like to Forget." He first let me know how proud he was of me, but he also was shocked to find out how bad it had gotten. I had to inform him that worse stories will be coming, and to not worry about the past because the present is going swimmingly

His phone call did, however, make me feel that I was being a bad friend to him, and to others, during my times of weight struggle. I am sure Michael thought that though I wasn’t in the happiest place, I was still doing okay. I wish it was the case, but I was in my own personal hell, eating my life away. The experiences I have over that time really put me in such a low place, a place few other people-- if any-- knew of.
I am also realizing that I tried to be much funnier at my heavier weight. I was making how I felt by making others laugh. Now that the weight is coming off, I don’t worry so much about making people laugh as I do about genuinely making them smile.

I would try to make people laugh so that they would like me. I felt horrible, like "why would anyone want to hang out with someone as big as me?" This question would run through my head constantly. I am no doctor, but it can’t be the healthiest thing to be thinking about. The battle for acceptance when being overweight is something that is hard to describe. You feel you have to win a person over because their initial reaction of you is something along the lines of, “Oh, this person is unhealthy, fat and probably pretty boring." Maybe that was true, maybe it wasn't. What is true was that is how I felt I was perceived. My best example of this was when I lived in San Marcos with my buddies Kyle and Nick. We had the perfect living space to throw parties so of course we had people over all the time. When it was people I already had established relationships with I was alright and nothing really bothered me. But if new people were around? Forget it. I would be the last person to introduce myself, the last person to strike up a conversation. Most of the people I met in college I either met in class or through someone else. I never met new people on my own in a social environment like a party or something. Maybe that is normal, but before college I had been so social with people that I couldn't wrap my head around where that personality went. It was like the new expectations associated with college crushed me while others flourished.

You just can’t go through life like that. Feeling intimidated in situations is only natural, but when you are always thinking people are judging you, then you will never be the person that you want to be. Finding confidence in yourself is so important. It took me a while to figure this out, but I am seeing it now and that is what matters. I hope the people who read this will not think I am looking for sympathy, but rather letting it be known to others who are overweight that they are not alone in the feelings they have.