IT FINALLY HAPPENED

This week in Houston I did something that I haven’t done since I was almost 13 years old and I the reality of the situation hasn’t hit yet. I finally bought clothes that were not sold at a big and tall store! It did not come easy though and I will tell you why.

It all started this past weekend as I was searching for Christmas style clothes for a party I was going to. I thought that it was a tacky Christmas party and I had nothing to wear for it. So I went to Casual Male Big and Tall to look for something I could wear but they had nothing as I expected (I don’t think Casual Male understands that if they had some funny Christmas clothes that young overweight people would snatch them up because tacky Christmas parties are all the rage these days). So I decided that I would brave going to Target to look for a Christmas shirt.

I went to the men’s department to find something that was suitable and I luckily came across a “Mr. Grinch” t-shirt. Walking into the dressing room I felt nervous about putting the shirt on. I had worked so hard to lose about 80 pounds now and to not get in this shirt would make me feel like it was for nothing. Then I remembered that this whole experience is about becoming someone new so I told myself if it doesn’t fit it will soon enough with all the work you are putting yourself through. Cautiously I threw the shirt over my head and slid it on and it fit! I did a little jig in the dressing room for my minor celebration and then realized that I was about to purchase a shirt from Target, not Casual Male. I have spent almost have my life up to this point buying shirts, pants, belts, you name it at one store and now I was getting closer and closer to ending that trend. So what did I do after I found out I could fit in the shirt? Of course I went back out to find some other clothes that would fit and I found an awesome jacket that fit me too. The best part is that I spent a fraction of what I normally spent on clothes at Big and Tall at Target.

What this all boils down to for me is that sometimes it is hard for me to see how much change my body has gone through but when a moment like this occurs I know that I am doing something right for myself. Five months ago I would have laughed at the notion of buying clothes at Target but now I wonder where my next purchase will be because I am no longer bound by fat guy law to Casual Male.

WHAT A WEIRD WEEK IN HOUSTON

The other day, during my trip to Houston, I had a little episode that I think I just need to vent about.

The day started so beautifully, as I got to meet up with my friend Brandon at Southpaw Guitars in Houston. It is the only left-handed guitar store that I know of, and it's also my personal slice of heaven. We stayed there for about two and a half hours jamming together, talking to the owner about the history of the store, and just catching up. After we finished up we decided to go watch "Avatar," so we headed to the theater to get the tickets and find somewhere to eat.

Well, the choices were not so hot around the area, but we decided to go to Red Robin. Once we got in there I got this huge craving for a bacon cheeseburger.  Before I started working out all the time and watching what I ate, a bacon cheeseburger is all I ever got when I ate there. I tried to talk myself out of it, but it was like I couldn't control myself. I ordered the burger, and when it got to the table I have to say it looked like a million dollars.

The lettuce looked so fresh; the hamburger looked perfectly cooked; the bacon's aroma set off flashbacks to my days of late-night grilling at the Fuplex. (My residence for the better part of my college years, and a bastion of unhealthy living choices across the board.)  As I devoured the hamburger I thought about a lot of things: What my trainers would think right now?  What am I thinking right now? What if someone who knew about my weight loss battle saw me eating like this...

I was slowly killing myself eating a burger.

I felt so horrible about a burger.  It was awful.  I couldn't even enjoy it.  As we finished up and went to the movie I felt so bloated and disgusted with what I had done.  A lot of feelings that I had felt before this whole thing started to come back, and though I was hiding my feelings well from, inside there was a battle between my head and my heart. My head was saying "It is just a hamburger-- you ate well the entire rest of the day and you won't eat anything like that for the rest of the week," but my heart was saying "This is the beginning of the end, all that hard work for nothing."

Thankfully, the movie didn't happen.

I got to go home, but I spent the next two hours resisting working out because I wasn't supposed to do any heavy cardio or lifting while in Houston.  That lasted about 2 hours before I gave in to the temptation of working out. A 2 mile jog later and my back was killing me and my legs were throbbing in pain, but somehow I felt a little better.  That didn't last either, because I had just broken two rules with my trainers.  It wasn't a good way to start my week without training. I am now learning that my weight is just one issue that I need to deal with during this time. I also need to find a way to contain my compulsive tendencies so that I can live my life without constantly being worried about things like eating one burger, or trying to fix it by doing something I shouldn't do. Hopefully I can fix my interior as I smooth out the exterior of myself in the next 7 months. 

TAKING THE GOOD WITH THE BAD

There is some good news and some bad news that has surfaced in the past couple of days that I would like to share with everyone. I will start with the bad news, but it will lead into some pretty awesome news. 

 

This past week I was asked to go meet with my trainer Diana after our workout. We walked over to the coffee shop right next to the gym and that is where she told me she would no longer be training at Workshop Fitness. I did not see that coming. Diana was the first trainer I worked out with, and she does all my measurements at the end of the month to chart my progress. I was acting tough because that is what a man is supposed to do, but I was not handling it very well inside. It has been almost five months with her, and losing such a key part of my training team was a crushing blow.  That is until she hit me up with the good news.

 

Diana and Thomas (The trainer that heads this project) have a company called Physique Foods that I have mentioned a couple times on my blog before. They offer food based on the diet they created, a diet that I am currently on. This is when Diana offered to begin supplying me with my food starting in January. Her title would change from “Ricky’s Trainer” to “Ricky’s Nutrionist."  I could not believe what I was hearing…Free food to go along with the training? I no longer have to worry about cooking? What about my beloved Shake ‘n Bake? After the initial shock wore off I gave her a huge hug and told here this is great news. Getting supplied food only makes the goal of 180 pounds in one year that much easier and obtainable. The best part is that their food is great!

 

I am so pumped to spread the word on Physique Foods and to practice my photo skills as I take some pictures of typical meals they provide me with.  This really couldn’t have come at a better time, because my eating habits were beginning to slide. Earlier this month I had peas taken out of my meals (They are too starchy). This really threw me off because I was eating peas 3-4 times a day (I think I was going to turn into something green eventually-- but would that really have been that bad?)

 

When the trainers took that off my meal plan, I was having a hard time substituting for the ease of making peas. Recently I have been eating bags of spinach like they are chips but I can see that getting old real fast. The shredded carrots were also being treated like pretzel sticks. However, Physique Foods will offer me an array of vegetables to pick from, and the variety will get my taste buds on full alert. So thank you, Physique Foods for joining the party!

PHOTOS

Looking at myself in the mirror everyday has made me immune to any changes I have had over the past couple of months. I mostly rely on the reactions I see from others to really gauge how much I have changed.  Only when I started to look back through some of my photos from Facebook could I begin to tell the changes my body has gone through in the past 4-5 years. I went from about 350 (when I started at Texas State) to over 400, (right about senior year) to currently being about 300.  To see this almost 100-pound transition really shows me how much I have put my body through.

 

At the same time it makes me realize that for a good portion of my teenage years I did not take photos of myself. I remember trying to find some about a year ago, and I realized most of the photos I had were just the standard school photos you had to take. I have minimal pictures of myself under 300 pounds. It makes me feel like there is a time that I don’t really remember myself. It is between the ages of 12-18. It started when my parents got divorced and I moved in with my father. We never really had a camera and we never really did much that required photos. Most of the pictures of me are from photos taken by friends and family during those years. As a result, I don’t have many to really judge myself by where I am at right now compared to when I was younger.

 

When my parents were together, my mom and my dad would take tons of photos of me. There are a bunch of photos that I love looking at when I am in Houston visiting my mom, and there are definitely some ones that I don’t like to see (One particular one of me in the bathtu.  Note to parents: it is just plain creepy to take photos of your children in the bathtub!) Unfortunately I was always a chubby kid, but I didn’t get morbidly obese until about 8^th grade, so these pictures do not really help me out.

 

The whole point I am trying to get at is that I wish I could go back in time and take some photos of myself, but I know I can’t ever do that.  I won’t ever to be able to look at some of my fondest memories of high school because I was too lazy to take pictures of something that, later on in life, I would have loved to look back on. But I am glad that I have pictures from college, and the more recent photos that I can look back on 20 years from now and say that, at this time in my life, I made decisions that changed everything at the age of 25.  With these photos, I can come back to what is becoming the happiest year I have experienced so far. 

TUSA FITNESS ON FOX 7 AUSTIN TONIGHT!

Stay Tuned to  Fox 7 News

Learn how you can roll out your kinks and become your
own massage therapist with Tusa Fitness! 

When: Thursday,December 17, 2009

Time: 5PM
with Lorianna Hernandez

Top it off with free classes in January!

If you miss Thursday at 5PM, stay tuned to Thursday at 9PM or Friday morning.

SIZES KEEP FALLING!

From the beginning, I planned on riding out my clothes as long as possible because I knew I would be going through a lot of sizes during the next year. Here is the breakdown on all the clothes I have had to buy so far:

Shirts: I have been pretty lucky when it comes to t-shirts. I haven’t bought a new t-shirt yet because by the time I would have wanted one it got too cold to get them, though I have had to buy new dress shirts-- I always want to look good for the ladies.

So far I have gone from a 5X to a 2X in shirts! It is a great feeling to know that I am buying shirts that I would have been buying back in 8th grade. It is a little weird that even though I am 30 pounds heavier than when I was in 8th grade, I can fit into the shirts because the muscle I've put on makes the shirts fit better.

Pants: When I started, all my pants were a 60 inch waist. That is a hard number for me to look at because I just can’t believe I let myself get that big. I mean that is BIG! Thankfully, those days are gone. Back in September, I went to buy pants because my original pants were falling off. I bought size 52 pants, but just a few weeks ago those got too baggy to wear, and now I just bought size 46 pants!! For anyone who's counting, that's 14 inches off my waist, an idea that was so foreign to me a mere months ago that I would have laughed in your face if you suggested it. Now my reality of a 32-inch waistline is halfway there…UNBELIEVABLE.

Going down in sizes with my shirts and pants is a terrific feeling, but there is something else that is making me even happier. The clothes I am now buying fit so much better than my old clothes ever did. If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen my pictures of the awesome sweater I bought back in October. Some people would see it just as a regular sweater, but it means a lot to me. I haven’t worn a sweater in a long time. This also goes for the jeans I just recently bought. They were a little tight, but they formed to my legs better than any jeans I have had in a long time. When my clothes fit better, I feel better about my appearance. When I feel better about my appearance, I exude more confidence when I am out. I just can’t help myself these days.

OKAY, HERE IT GOES...

I have tried to stay as honest as possible with this whole process as I try to lose the weight that has haunted the first 25 years of my life. I have told you about my food obstacles, discussed the hardships that I have encountered with the workouts, talked about my time at the Dudley and Bob morning show and the many other aspects that have come into play throughout the past 5 months. But I haven’t really talked about how my relationship with women has changed. Okay so here it goes…

 

My entire life I have always wanted to find love and fall deeply, passionately and endlessly in love with that person. So far, I don’t think I have gotten close to this feeling. A big reason is I have never truly felt confident around women that I am really attracted to.  I usually get on the friend “ship” before ever attempting to try my luck at anything more. If I get passed this point, one of two things happens: I usually will either have so much doubt that someone can be attracted to me that I don’t trust the other person, or I grow jealous when they are not around me because I feel that I am not worthy for them to stay with me. The most obvious reason is that I always felt my weight made me unattractive and that I would have to completely sweep a girl off her feet by being charming and free-spirited than with anything physical I had to offer. This all lead to me having short-ended relationships that never came close to the type of connection I was looking for.

 

So as I got this chance to change my life I started to think of all the great things that would happen with me in the department of love. I would be able to find the person I have always wanted and we would run in fields of flowers, play Monopoly all night, have Battlestar Galatica marathons and just plain have fun with someone that I truly felt something with.  Sweet dream-- but it will never be a reality until I really figure out the underlying truth behind all of my problems before I started losing the weight. After much inner debate, and long phone calls with friends it became obvious that as cliché as it seems I had to learn to love myself before I could really love anyone else.

 

Finally getting that through my head was a hard pill to swallow. I thought I always loved myself, but I didn’t. I never felt confident that I could love someone and that I DESERVED TO BE LOVED THAT MUCH BACK because I am a good person too. I still don’t feel truly confident in this, but I am getting better about accepting myself in my skin (I think it helps when you lose 1/5 of your body weight J). But what still stands in my way is that if I try to find love now I could potentially lose focus on the task at hand, the task of losing this weight within the time period I have set for myself.  I don’t feel it's right for me to give less in the gym, or lose focus on my eating patterns because of love.  Not at this stage.  I am doing so well with my weight and my health level that any distraction could really skew my results with Workshop.

 

I think some people will disagree with my point of view right now, but with weight loss will come more confidence, which will allow me to love myself more, and create more opportunities to discover the person I am looking for.